Why do Addicts Use? The Need for Relationship.

People choose addiction to substances, in preference to other options in life, because it meets a need. Everyone has a need to feel relationship in their life. Lack of relationship with people will always be met with some form of coping behavior because interaction and relationship is necessary to support and encourage life.

Romanian orphans, deprived of human contact and emotional involvement, in many cases simply failed to thrive and died. Others, taken into adoption, have had to learn patterns of interaction and relationship in place of their strong emotional defenses to feelings of loss and isolation.

In the book “The Boy Who Loved Cranes”, an infant left alone all day by his working mother had nothing but a window to look out of. It was noticed that he had a range of unusual body movements. Eventually it was realized that he was modeling the actions of the cranes on a nearby building site.

So strong is the need for relationship that children will act in any way that they consider necessary or appropriate in order to get a response from those closest to them. If children do not get the positive strokes that they need, they will resort to negative behavior. This makes sure that they get noticed even if the response is only anger or resentment.

The problem of negative relationships for children is that they don’t really want to have to act up just to get attention. They just want to be loved for themselves. Parents, no matter what their failings, are idealized by their children. This leads to a situation in which children feel that if they are not loved, then it must be them who is unlovable. Children will take on whatever attributes they think will be pleasing to the parent, and failing that, will play up to get attention.

One example is a case where a mother, married to a doormat of a husband, with 5 children, the youngest being a boy had a deep down contempt for men and this was reflected in the way that she completely ignored her son at an emotional level. To the distress of the family the son started to dress in drag and adopted the mannerisms of a female, which certainly made him get noticed, but in a negative way. The father failed to provide effective role modeling for the son by simply throwing his hands up in despair.

Similarly when someone in your family circle has found in drugs an answer to their relationship problems, the need to help them is urgent. You need to keep your cool and remain positive, rather than simply throwing your hands in the air.

Particularly with teenagers who use drugs, do not assume all blame. On the other hand, it is a time for reflection about your parenting style. Keeping positive provides support for the child and the reassurance of your presence.

For teenagers, the issues which drive them to drugs might be at a social level and not problems within the family itself. Offering a child your support might be hotly rejected at first. However, you need to stay open to relationship. Let the child know that, whilst you disapprove of their behavior, you will continue to be there for them no matter what. Let them know that you are ready to talk when they are. Then, listen very carefully – they will make that call.